On leaving your comfort zone

Want to feel fat really fast? Be faced with the concept of AcroYoga as a fat woman.

I was never fat as a kid. I was the usual awkward chubby that comes with adolescence, but never like, humongous. Let me say that I don't consider myself humongous now. I'm fat. On a day-to-day basis I don't really think about it. And when I do, it doesn't bring me down. I normally operate under an "I am what I am" concept that's been working pretty well. My point is, I was never bullied as a kid. I was never the fat kid so I was never faced with the humiliation of being fat among skinny people. I was never faced with not being able to do something because I was fat. That is, until a few months ago.

Being in a yoga teacher training class is a little difficult; because there are some of the most beautiful bodies I have ever seen in that class. But really, I had been ok. Throw acro-yoga into the mix and I was suddenly not ok. Everyone was very nice but that was kind of the problem. There was obvious pity and it sucked. Here are a few thoughts that went through my mind: “Just let me be the base, (the person that lifts the people). I'm really strong, seriously.” “Don't ask if I want to fly. Just don't. Do I? Yes. But I know you can't lift me so shut up about it.” “No, I'm not afraid of someone lifting me. I know I can haul my big ass in the air. I'm afraid of someone not being strong enough to lift me.”

Really, truly, I wanted to break down and cry pretty much the entire time. I almost did at one point. My self-esteem had not been that low since I was a teenager and when I was a teen I was skinny.

So I went home and ate half a box of taquitos.

In all seriousness, it was the fattest I've ever felt and I'm never doing acro-yoga again. I'm glad I tried but I it will never happen again. It was not empowering. I know I am strong. My yoga practice has already taught me that. I can lift myself up and that's enough.

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A quick reflection. I wrote this the night we did AcroYoga in teacher training. I’ll be honest, it’s a bit dramatic, and I’ll defintitely try AcroYoga again. I’m a bit more comfortable in my skin now, and have a huge amount of respect for the people that do AcroYoga. It’s so cool!

One of my favorite things about yoga teacher training was that I was forced out my comfort zone. When we leave our comfort zone we grow, and with the exception of a couple of other times I would have to say this is the moment that I grew the most. I also have to say that the people that teach AcroYoga are some of my absolute favorite teachers and the practice is not a reflection on them. Actually, I’d have to say that AcroYoga’s beauty mirrors their amazing souls.